i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
