I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You ever have a fart follow you around?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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