Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm too high and old for this...
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