What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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