I cockslap morals
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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