you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
