im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Girls should come with a carfax report
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
