sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
