i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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