She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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