If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
