Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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