girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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