I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
