Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize