every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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