Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
