i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Holy shit dude........stairs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
