My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
