The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
