She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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