The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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