How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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