No stitches, just platelets and will power
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
