Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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