If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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