remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
