Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
