Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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