I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I AM VODKA MAN
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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