My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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