Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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