you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
