Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
