I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
