I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
