Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
