Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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