living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
im holly from the hills drunk
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
