I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
