Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
