You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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