No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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