I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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