She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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