Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
