I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Drunk is not a location!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize