I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
