oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
