How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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