if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
did i walk over a car last night?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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