Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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