so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
