proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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