why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
