I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I need to align my fucking chakras
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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