the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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