my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
