It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
